My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
