mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
