Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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