Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
