Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize