I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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