If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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