Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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