i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
