he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
where are my eyebrows?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
