Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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