I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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