meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
