good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
