just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
