fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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