Jerry, you need to find god
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
