I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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