I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
