i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
