Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
