there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
