evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
