Taylor Swift is so right about you.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
