Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just found puke in my bra..
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize