I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
