I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize