I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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