Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
When did angry sex become our thing?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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