Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize