he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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