So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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