this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Let's get the cat blown out
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
