apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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