I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
