I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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