I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
