Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
