ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
