Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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