John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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