he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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