I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
