Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
