I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize