I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
