is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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