Nicole vs. Life
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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