Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
