it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
