How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
