Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
