i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
