Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
