i think my mom watched the whole time
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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