I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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