No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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