He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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