He kissed a someone with a penis
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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