I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
