Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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