New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
