Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
