home. puking in laundry basket.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
