I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
