Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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