please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
